calm confusion

Every now and then I lapse into small bits of my past. With glazed over eyes I fall into a scene I play over and over watching myself and those around me, remembering the feelings, almost able to stick my tongue out and taste it as reality. I can never understand why when happiness comes for one, it is taken away from another. Like a smooth, well-engineered trick of the powers that be, to disburse limited happiness from a vault. I am happy now and I look at those around me and watch pieces of their happiness be taken away. A battle against sadness, which cannot be won by all.

I slowly traced my name in the sand. Around me I could hear the waves come to life from a night of dark calmness. 7 am, reading on Sunset Beach was never a place or time I expected I’d ever be. I looked out onto the water and saw him swimming. Above him a plane painstakingly maneuvered its way to the runaway behind me. I braced myself for the sudden gush of wind that would follow its taxi. The sun streamed down on my shoulders as I sat daydreaming. I felt completely content… not a worry, not a care, not a reason to stress, perfect calm. I watched the wind blow lightly over my name etched in sand and I began thinking back over the last few days. I mapped a situation in my head that never unfolded. From the crazy little clues he kept leaving for me to the final invitation for lunch at the lighthouse, I began to imagine myself being pushed over the edge of the cliff by the swift fluid movement of his palm. Fear began to set in. The ride to Grand Revere was full of laughter and singing, wi...