I was walking along Independence Square the other day. Minding my own business like everybody else… scoping out the hot chick in the tight skirt, cursing her under my breath and smiling at her as she passes, trying to avoid tripping over my own feet in case the man in the taxi going alongside me catches a vaps and decides to laugh at me and draw attention to the fact that I walk like I was born bow legged, but trying desperately to hide it… when all of a sudden the blasted rain decide to fall.
Well you know, when rain fall in Port of Spain, if a dead man hiding somewhere, he sure to end up in a drain. And every plastic bottle, piece of toilet paper and corn beef can, following him along.
You don’t find it amazing how fast the drains fill up when rain fall for two minutes? People cars start floating away, vagrants jumping around looking for soap and professionals in suits and ties, trying to jump over a mile of water with perfect decorum.
I myself have mastered this drain jumping technique.
When approaching a drain, say on the corner of Richmond and Independence Square, you know, where the Unit Trust Building is, walk slowly away from the crowd of people gathering at the foot of the street, because chances are they going to try a communal jump which will end in the survival of the fittest and the fittest is usually the fattest, because when some fat woman jump that drain, everybody else will drown.
Walk higher up, so you can look down at the crazy people, shake your head and roll your eyes. Place purse or bag diagonally across your chest, step two feet away from the drain… and then lift off using your good foot, mine is which ever decides to go first…using your good foot , fly over the drain in slow motion.
It would be helpful to assume the position that guy had in the Karate Kid, you know the one I am talking about… hands in air with palms bent forward and one foot in the air. You can open your mouth and make any sound you know from a Bruce Lee movie, if desired.
This technique though seemingly simple, has benefits that you will thank me for later. For instance, if you are a woman, you will probably be wearing shoes that don’t fit you properly. The flying motion, will allow your shoes to fall off and remain on the pavement, leaving you free to fly shoeless over the drain, giving you great propelling speed that may be fast enough for you to get wedgy. But don’t hold your breath, this only happens afters months of practice.
In addition, you will more than likely encounter someone waiting to mimic your movements and this person may be willing to throw your shoes across the forming river for you.
Chances are many will laugh, because this technique may seem ludicrous to the layman.
Once on the other side of the drain, remember to stop and take a bow. Because all great feats deserve recognition. If no one is watching, keeping bowing until someone acknowledges your accomplishment, or attempts the Heimlich manoeuvre on you. Either way, you are given your due and don’t forget your shoe.
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